You are a warrior.
Those are the words my husband whispered to me as I was coming to, after the fog lifted a little.
You are strong and capable of overcoming hard things. Life isn’t guaranteed to be easy, and sometimes it will throw some massive curve balls your way, and those curveballs can be insane and throw you for a loop and that is when life stops right before you. It is in the mess where you see what you are made of. It is in the mess where you find out who you really are. This is where you become a warrior.
When I first found out that my life was changing and I had no control over these changes, I felt like I would hide it and keep it a secret forever. I wanted to bury the information that I had just found out and keep it hidden deep within my soul so no one would ever know.
I wanted life to continue as it always had… but that was not possible anymore. My life was pretty much perfect before this, or essentially awesome, anyway. I couldn’t come to terms with the impending and immediate changes that were happening. I couldn’t shake the feeling that maybe there was something I could have done to keep this from happening. To make my body healthier, by actually paying attention to myself… was this my fault? With three kids and a husband and a house and a home business, I was always on the back burner, and that was my choice. I never stopped. And if I did, it wasn’t to eat or make sure that I was finding a moment to breathe… it was to pass out from exhaustion.
After a lot of thinking, healing, contemplating, considering, and heart-to-hearts with God, I now feel led to share my story. I don’t want to remain silent when my story could help someone. Anyone. This is part of my reason for starting this blog. I want to have a place to help people. A place to help myself. And here it is. From the beginning to the now, and all that is in between. I’ve always been one that was more private and shy and to myself… so this is going way out of my comfort zone. But with discomfort comes growth and healing and I’m ready for whatever walking through this door will do.
So let’s do this.
A year and three days ago, June 17, 2016, I was told that I have Multiple Sclerosis. It was a tumultuous week leading up to the “diagnosis” when I couldn’t see, my eyes were a complete wreck, and worsening daily. Ultimately, I found out through an MRI and a physical exam that everything was going to be different and I was no longer in control… or so I was told.
I went through some very dark times, when the future felt so unknown and scary… and the worst of those days just happened to be the day that I saw the neurologist who was supposedly there to help me by shoving disease modifying drugs down my throat. “Here, read this info and tell me which one you want to start on. Oh, and once you start, you’ll be on this forever.” He told me that. Really. And I could hardly see his face, let alone read. That just happened to be the last time I stepped foot into his office.
I’m married to the best man in he world, hands down, and you’ll read a lot more about him in my posts. Because of him, I never ever felt alone, despite wanting to hide and crawl under a rock on most of those early days. He was the one to first tell me that I am a warrior and worthy of a good fight. He helped me see that I owed it to myself to fight. He was my filter, telling me what he’d read on the internet and things he’d found to start trying. I was too afraid to research, for fear that I would find the worst, most depressing story and it would destroy me. He is my rock. He helped me realize that I’m strong and capable and I soon began to believe it too. I became the warrior that I have to be to fight this.
Then we found Dr. Wahls and the Wahls Protocol. Check her out at http://terrywahls.com She is an author and an MD. She reversed her Secondary Progressive MS through diet and exercise. She went from a tilt-recline wheelchair to biking in 9 months after she changed her diet. So, that’s what I did. It’s a strict diet, and was so damn hard in the beginning… but now, a year later, it is my normal and I am so thankful that the human body is adaptable and capable of massive amounts of healing.
Today, a year later, we’re celebrating and rejoicing. From that second meeting with the neurologist, 2 weeks after the “flare”, my husband and I decided we were in this thing for the long haul and we were fighting and never giving up. We weren’t going to lie down and let this “diagnosis” rule our lives and take over our thoughts any longer. We decided, together, and with a ton of research and reading, that MS isn’t a death sentence. We decided to fight. To give it everything and anything it takes to win. And winning is what we’re doing.
I say we because this definitely isn’t all me. He’s my partner in everything, and in this too. He fights when I struggle, he wipes my tears. He holds me when I need to be held. I told you he is that good.
What a difference a year makes. Right now, I feel better than I ever have in my life. I’m stronger, healthier, and happier. I am more patient, and I have zero brain fog – which I didn’t even realize I had until I knew what it was… and to think of the years I could’t remember what happened last weekend and thought it was normal. That is not normal, friends!
A few tears have streamed down my face as I remember those fear-filled moments just one year ago, but I then think of how far we’ve come, and how much more we have to do. I know I am on the path to wellness, and I trust this process. I’m healing my body with every step and every bite of food I eat.
If you had asked me a year ago, what I thought life might be like in a year… I would have been too afraid to answer.
MS is a diagnosis. It doesn’t run my life. It won’t ever rule me. This is my life, and I choose to live it and love it as much as possible. I am a warrior and I am worth the fight.